On Etiquette

About a month ago I was "dumped" by a woman without even going out on a single date with her. At first I was  a bit depressed by this, but the more I thought about it, the funnier the situation got. So much so, that when I recounted the events to some of my friends they laughed out loud. Let me explain.

I've been living in my apartment complex for six months and during this time I've come to meet an know a bunch of people who also live here. One of the ways I did this was by hanging out in the communal "internet cafe" in the leasing office. After a few weeks of this, I noticed that there was a woman who would be in the cafe using the internet to find and apply to jobs. On the occasion she would receive a call generated from one of her applications and would talk animatedly about her qualifications and availability for potential interviews. Without knowing her name, I dubbed her "Application Chick." I soon realized that she and I were cafe regulars and began the small, friendly exchanges of head nods and monosyllabic greetings.

Application Chick is attractive, smart too. She has skin similar to mine, shoulder-length brown hair, large brown eyes and a quick smile. I'd guess she's in her late 20s. She has a degree in nursing that she recently earned as well as a masters in psychology. I know all of this because she would repeatedly complain that her advanced education had not helped her find a job/better job. I know the feeling.

After a few weeks of single-word greetings and head nods, we leveled up to small pleasantries. "Hey, how's it going?" Or, "How's things?" It was at this point that she got a call from some job that wanted to bring her in for an interview. I happened to be in the cafe at the time of the call and was witness to her scheduling the interview she had been hoping for. 

"Congratulations?" I asked hesitantly? 

"Well, it's an interview at least." She responded. 

I nodded my head and congratulated her. An interview is still a big deal. Around that time I began working a contract gig that had me out of the internet cafe so I didn't see her for a few weeks. I decided that I should ask her out since we seemed to have some level of rapport. I saw her the next day and balked. The idea of asking her out just seemed too much of a task. Later, I kicked myself for being a wuss.

After a pep talk from my best friend, I screwed up enough courage to ask her out the next time I saw her. My opportunity came a few days later and I got the job done. That was a minor victory. From there, I felt pretty confident. We traded a few text messages and even a phone call where we tried to arrange our schedules to meet up for coffee. We could never make our schedules work out to meet up. We each are working two jobs and there just wasn't a whole lot of time left over. 

Then one day, she didn't return a text message I sent her. That didn't bother me until she didn't return a phone call as well. I sent her one more text message and phone call over the span of two weeks and hear nothing so I stopped trying to contact her. I can take a hint and I'm not gonna be "that guy." 

Despite that, I was bit confused by her behavior. I think if were not interested in her, I would have told her instead of ceasing communication with no explanation. The sudden lack of contact was frustrating because it left me trying to figure out what I had done (or not done) that gave her reason to dump me. There has to be etiquette on this. Just be polite, right? Is it too much to ask for someone to just say "I don't think this will work?" Or, "I'm no longer interested." Sure, it might sting a bit, but I can't imagine that is worse than having no reason whatsoever. 

One of my friends hypothesized that one of two things happened. That she recently went through a break up and thought she was ready to start dating again but when it came to it, she balked and couldn't think of any way to get of it beyond cutting me off completely.  The other thought is that I happened to ask her out during a time when she and her boyfriend were fighting or "on a break" and she took my number. Then later, the boyfriend called to get back together and she decided to go with the "sure thing" than take a chance on me. Either way I get shafted, but them's the breaks.

Fast forward to the end of July. I haven't seen her for several weeks and haven't thought about her either. As I'm collecting my mail she walks into the mailbox area and sees me. She freezes. I say "hi." I'm determined to not let things become awkward. She says "hello" in return and then begins to fumble an explanation for her actions, as if I've demanded she account for it. I wave her explanation away, saying that it's fine and doesn't matter. She nods as if she's heard me but still stutters through her reasons. While she's doing that, a man gets out of a car, parked near the mailbox area and asks her if everything is OK. She looks back over shoulder and I smile, saying "really, it's cool. I'll see you around." With that, I turn and leave the mailbox area. Can't win them all. 

Just a Hook-up

[This was a post I did for another blog a few years ago. That blog has folded, but I liked my piece, so here it is.]

Charles Blow wrote an Op-Ed column in the NY Times on December 13 entitled “The Demise of Dating,” saying that amongst the younger generation, dating was a thing of the past and the hook-up was now the standard. The thrust of his argument is that the popularity of just hooking up has led to a decrease in our ability to establish and maintain one-on-one relationships; the emphasis on the group relationship has or is destroying the individual relationship.

Hold up a sec Chuck.

While I agree that the phenomenon of hooking up is seemingly replacing the old standard of dating, it doesn't mean that dating is dead. Relationships are not easy, and while the hook-up does simplify certain aspects of it, it also adds complications to others. The idea that hooking up “emphasizes group friendships over the one-pair model of dating" is only the surface of the issue. If people in a group friendship are hooking up, they are creating added layers to their specific relationship which creates one-pair interactions within the group friendship. On the surface, the hook up appears to only strengthen the group dynamic but it pushes the one-pair individual dynamic just as much.

Charlie also talked about how the hook-up is gender-biased toward men because eventually women want individual relationships and we, commitment-phobic, men only want to hook up. That's probably true. Still, I find it a bit silly to think that only women would want a hook-up to turn into a relationship. Hooking up is a two-way street, men get can get just as attached and begin to look for that individual relationship.

I take umbrage with the way Mr. Blow paints a picture of the future of social interaction as one that is solely a group dynamic with everyone hooking up with their friends and no one taking the time to get to know someone on an individual basis. Are we, as a generation, doomed to just move from one hook-up to the next with no real emotional foundation or attachment? I hope not.

A friend of mine told me "Love is important, it's what we live on, the delight we produce in others."

She's clearly smarter than me and I agree with her fully. I find it difficult to believe that through hooking up with someone you'll be able to make a connection that can lead to something deeper. The process of getting to know someone through hanging out with them is so integral to a relationship that skipping or holding off on that until after you hook up strikes me as backwards. If there is a connection, the intimacy will be there. It'd be good to know that the intimacy is just a part of a larger, deeper connection you share with someone.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, and need to get with the times, but I can't think of anything better than hanging out with someone I like and getting to know them... Then hooking up.